Me Before You

[popcorn09]

Disclaimer - I agree with the outraged disabled people and disabled actors in Hollywood who criticised this movie. This is not the view of disabled existence that needs more attention.

I caught the last half of "Me Before You" movie on TV again. I've watched it before and found it incredibly sad. In a way I felt Lou's anger and yet on another hand, it is not for me to judge what someone else wants to do with their life (except it was a story and not real). 

Today when I watched it, I had none of the old anger and sadness. I watched it and observed it and was reminded of the general lack of love and loved ones in my life. I felt that Lou was left richer in her experience (not even referring to the $), the kind that changes us through loving and being loved. I have experienced this once in my life, it was more than ten years ago and hasn't been around since. 

When the movie ends with Will's letter saying "Love, Will", even though he is no longer there physically, he clearly is there. It drove home for me how there is nobody to sign off a letter with love to me. Nobody whose life changes with my love or whose love changes me. The loneliness of this is beyond any kind of loneliness from being alone, being in isolation and even not being held. 

The more I come into myself in this isolation, as I continue to work on my complex trauma, I crave less to do life together with anyone, I crave more and more of my spirit to be touched deeply by another. I hope I am learning how to not look for someone to fill the role of being a significant other, to fill the void. I find myself looking for the one that can stand beside me and step into the light. 

Ok, maybe I am lying, I do miss hugs and holding someone special as much as loving them.

I am so grateful that I have this journal to write into. Thank you my lovely.

Here's the music that stuck with me from the movie today.

PS - I've found some audio books by Jojo Moyes and going to try to listen to them to see if they appeal to me. Especially the two sequels after Me Before You. Usually books have better detail and nuance than the movies. I need more reminders of what the sense of being loved feels like as an embodied sensation.

Comments

[daryl_wor]

Yay! You're still here. I know the feeling. I was so relieved to find this journaling site. And I definitely hear you on not enough solid friendships and reliability. It's funny because when I am able to reach someone, like today, I often surprise them with compliments. But I'm not even sure if they are compliments per se because I truly am grateful for certain personality traits and got used to expressing that. More complicated things than a "Pollyanna".

For this I'm just grateful to see someone wants that tenderness in their lives. A ton of us got starving for it in the last six years and the only upshot is that lack maintains an appreciation when friendship is found. Some of us sure got spoiled and now we know it. (Reminds me of Great Depression hording, that kind of thing.)

[popcorn09]

Thanks for sharing your perspective. For me, it doesn't quite work that way. The less I experience safety and connection the further I move away from considering it. In general, it doesn't work for me to passively wait and then be grateful when I find something because I find it doesn't just conjure up out of nowhere.

[daryl_wor]

Oops, sorry. I meant I was talking to someone I'd already known for years with, want of a better word, compliments. Still, I sure know the longing! I had that for years and I keep trying to establish it with whoever is left. I think a lot of people who recently signed on here recall the people who have rather "disappeared" which is scary.

However, I definitely hear you on becoming more of a hermit and pulling-back, too. I'm in those droves of nervous anxiety where I'm making sure who recently was there is still there and thinking, "Okay, this many is enough and hopefully we'll all hang together." (((knock on wood)))