popcorn09

Disclaimer - I agree with the outraged disabled people and disabled actors in Hollywood who criticised this movie. This is not the view of disabled existence that needs more attention.

I caught the last half of "Me Before You" movie on TV again. I've watched it before and found it incredibly sad. In a way I felt Lou's anger and yet on another hand, it is not for me to judge what someone else wants to do with their life (except it was a story and not real). 

Today when I watched it, I had none of the old anger and sadness. I watched it and observed it and was reminded of the general lack of love and loved ones in my life. I felt that Lou was left richer in her experience (not even referring to the $), the kind that changes us through loving and being loved. I have experienced this once in my life, it was more than ten years ago and hasn't been around since. 

When the movie ends with Will's letter saying "Love, Will", even though he is no longer there physically, he clearly is there. It drove home for me how there is nobody to sign off a letter with love to me. Nobody whose life changes with my love or whose love changes me. The loneliness of this is beyond any kind of loneliness from being alone, being in isolation and even not being held. 

The more I come into myself in this isolation, as I continue to work on my complex trauma, I crave less to do life together with anyone, I crave more and more of my spirit to be touched deeply by another. I hope I am learning how to not look for someone to fill the role of being a significant other, to fill the void. I find myself looking for the one that can stand beside me and step into the light. 

Ok, maybe I am lying, I do miss hugs and holding someone special as much as loving them.

I am so grateful that I have this journal to write into. Thank you my lovely.

Here's the music that stuck with me from the movie today.

PS - I've found some audio books by Jojo Moyes and going to try to listen to them to see if they appeal to me. Especially the two sequels after Me Before You. Usually books have better detail and nuance than the movies. I need more reminders of what the sense of being loved feels like as an embodied sensation.