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Shadowlands
Dec. 18th, 2021 05:12 pmYou have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. A few months ago I was re-reading Andre Agassi's autobiography - "Open". I read how when he and Steffi first met they talked about their favourite movie and surprisingly both of their favourite movie was Shadowlands. I added it to my watchlist on the day.
Today I got around to watching it, fortunately I found it on youtube. When I attempted to watch it the last time, it was nowhere to be found.
The movie is the story of a gifted writer who meets another gifted writer and woman. Jack hides in his words and stories, lives a safe existence of predictability. Joy is direct, unabashed and authentic. They meet and become friends. Jack realises his love for Joy only as she is about to die of advanced stage cancer. Still they marry and spend a few years together.
The movie reminds me of the universal nature of grief and love. It was another embodiment of, "You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." Jack's heart needed to be broken open, it was broken when he realised he is about to lose Joy even before having the courage to find her.
The movie reminded me of when I lost Gullu. The feelings of loss and grief, of desperately wanting to see him again. And then the following year I lost Bauji and even today I keep wanting to meet him again. The grief has not gone anywhere, it has just dulled in its edge and lives as a knife inside of me, almost as a companion of my life and existence as I breathe.
In some ways, it is lucky if grief comes with notice. Mine usually has not. The grief of losing my family, when I left Ghaziabad in 2020, I knew I didn't respect my own life and decided to do whatever I needed to do respect myself. I did not know then this would mean losing my family. I feel like I am choosing grief and inflicting this upon myself. However, what I have seen cannot be unseen. I can never go back to the false love that there was. This is the grief of unmerging and separating and with the anxiety of finding my feet,
Of the time his wife was in the hospital, Jack talks about praying for Joy when a friend or clergyman praises him for praying hard. He says, "I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows our of me all the time - waking and sleeping. It does not change God - it changes me."
This is how I feel off late, the deep despair and helpless that seems without a floor or a ceiling leaving me to have no choice but to pray. Only when I pray can I feel an inkling of hope, trust and faith. Hope of not things changing but of my being able to live through them. Hope of living. And yet it does not make it easy to pray, it feels as though I must bleed myself to feed the fire that burns my sorrow and sends it back to life.
Reminds me of, Kahlil Gibran's words in The Prophet -
"Much of your pain is self-chosen.
Today I got around to watching it, fortunately I found it on youtube. When I attempted to watch it the last time, it was nowhere to be found.
The movie is the story of a gifted writer who meets another gifted writer and woman. Jack hides in his words and stories, lives a safe existence of predictability. Joy is direct, unabashed and authentic. They meet and become friends. Jack realises his love for Joy only as she is about to die of advanced stage cancer. Still they marry and spend a few years together.
The movie reminds me of the universal nature of grief and love. It was another embodiment of, "You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." Jack's heart needed to be broken open, it was broken when he realised he is about to lose Joy even before having the courage to find her.
The movie reminded me of when I lost Gullu. The feelings of loss and grief, of desperately wanting to see him again. And then the following year I lost Bauji and even today I keep wanting to meet him again. The grief has not gone anywhere, it has just dulled in its edge and lives as a knife inside of me, almost as a companion of my life and existence as I breathe.
In some ways, it is lucky if grief comes with notice. Mine usually has not. The grief of losing my family, when I left Ghaziabad in 2020, I knew I didn't respect my own life and decided to do whatever I needed to do respect myself. I did not know then this would mean losing my family. I feel like I am choosing grief and inflicting this upon myself. However, what I have seen cannot be unseen. I can never go back to the false love that there was. This is the grief of unmerging and separating and with the anxiety of finding my feet,
Of the time his wife was in the hospital, Jack talks about praying for Joy when a friend or clergyman praises him for praying hard. He says, "I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows our of me all the time - waking and sleeping. It does not change God - it changes me."
This is how I feel off late, the deep despair and helpless that seems without a floor or a ceiling leaving me to have no choice but to pray. Only when I pray can I feel an inkling of hope, trust and faith. Hope of not things changing but of my being able to live through them. Hope of living. And yet it does not make it easy to pray, it feels as though I must bleed myself to feed the fire that burns my sorrow and sends it back to life.
Reminds me of, Kahlil Gibran's words in The Prophet -
"Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility"
I was reminded of numerology and how my Saturn cycle now until the age of late 50s is 9. It prompted me to seek Lore for a numerology reading. It's as though there is something I need to hear and learn to be able to live true to what life is calling on me for.
The question is how to not be consumed or disabled by the pain and continue to let it cleanse my life, let it pass through me. I don't yet know how and so I pray.
And I hope that one day I will meet this love like Jack, the truest form of myself like Joy and in this life come to know of it. Until I work on keep finding myself again and again and keep showing up for myself again and again.
PS - I found CS Lewis's book for free on Audible, "A Grief Observed", definitely going to be my next listen.
I was reminded of numerology and how my Saturn cycle now until the age of late 50s is 9. It prompted me to seek Lore for a numerology reading. It's as though there is something I need to hear and learn to be able to live true to what life is calling on me for.
The question is how to not be consumed or disabled by the pain and continue to let it cleanse my life, let it pass through me. I don't yet know how and so I pray.
And I hope that one day I will meet this love like Jack, the truest form of myself like Joy and in this life come to know of it. Until I work on keep finding myself again and again and keep showing up for myself again and again.
PS - I found CS Lewis's book for free on Audible, "A Grief Observed", definitely going to be my next listen.
